Sandy,
You never doubted God or Heaven. You always knew that while I did not totally doubt either, I had my concerns about how it was being presented. This is not the place to talk about that.
This is my hope, though:
I hope that Heaven is every bit as good and lovely and wonderful as you always imagined. I know that you definitely deserve to be there so you have the best of the best. I could not wish for anything more for you. I may have failed in many ways for you on Earth so I am glad you have the best now.
I doubt that I will be there with you. I know my personality and I know my doubting mind and heart. I wish I could change to be with you forever; one can still hope as there is still time. You also know that I will do so out of conviction and not desperation.
If I could be sure, I would do anything to be with you again, but as is said, God knows one’s true heart, I cannot be anything but what I am.
So, if I do not change and am thus denied a place with you, know that it is not by any thing but being the person I always tried to be. Ultimately, I tried to be decent. If that accounts for anything, maybe I will have another moment with you before I am denied Heaven. I could then sustain Hell.